I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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