Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
