thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
