i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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