Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
