Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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