i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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