How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
