Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
