I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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