Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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