Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize