if you like me you must not know who I am
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
