I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
