I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
