We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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