Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
