were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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