he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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