I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
