woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
