i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
pop tarts are not kleenex
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I am mentally ready for anal.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize