I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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