We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
