Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
