The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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