how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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