thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We are two peas in an std pod
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
