My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
