Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
