when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
