So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize