I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
And then he peed in my hair
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
