we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You can't motorboat a personality
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
