my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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