I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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