so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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