I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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