There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
two words: eviction party
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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