So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize