when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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