I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize