On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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