peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
