Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
