I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
this is an emotional support booty call
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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