Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
