some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
