Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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