I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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