I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
