I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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