I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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