I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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