hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize