omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
