Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just want to make out with him forever
How does it feel to date your dad?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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