ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
