Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
